Walk Down Memory Lane

Ok so yesterday I had a question posed about my profile about what job I loved and gave up to come home to be with my family.  I decided to do a walk down memory lane post.  Its a good day to do it since its Sunday and such a blessing of a day.  It's raining out and my thoughts are turning to old past times.

I have one sister and three brothers that I love dearly.  My parents are both still living.  I thank God for that each and every day.  My heart goes out to anyone that has lost a parent.  I grew up in a very dysfunctional family so hey that might be why I am who I am.  But I'm much more complicated than that. 

Early on in life, I met the man of my dreams, Michael.  Michael was a wonderful man.  I lived through so very much with him.  I watched someone die from diabetes.  Back in that time, diabetes was not understood at all.  I remember firing doctors because they would literally ask my husband what to do when he was sick.  Yes that makes sense lets ask a man that is in a delirious state.  One of the reason that you hear me constantly tell you to trust your instincts when your little one is sick. 

Did I ever mention that I'm a grandma?  I doubt it.  You see when Michael passed away his daughter's mother decided it was best that I not be involved in her life anymore.  I respected that wish.  How could I not?  It wasn't until she was 18 years old that I did approach her again.  My heart believed that she deserved to know a little about her father.   Now here is something that I have never talked about.  You see, when I met with Christie, I found out that she always worried about her father.  She worried about if he was saved.  Something that I know he was.  She worried because no one ever allowed her to speak of him.  She wasn't allowed to talk about what she remembered so the memories faded.  I was handing her back a photo album with all of his pictures.  Today I miss that album.  There were such memories of who he was in it.  But I hold his memory in my heart.  He was the first person that taught me to love unconditionally.  He was my blessing.  My angel on earth.  And now he is my guardian angel.  The thing was when she came to meet me.  She brought her family.  Her husband.  And my little grand daughter.  I cried when I saw her.  You see her child looks exactly like she did.  So much of my precious Michael was in her.  I don't see them now but they are always in my heart.  Christie didn't know me.  How could I expect her to include me now?  I still mourn him though.  The love is always there.

Ok so while I was with Michael, I was also suffering with endometrosis.  And that story could go on and on.. so go here and here for that information.  Long story short I ended up not being able to have children before I was 23 years old which was when my love, Michael, passed away.  I spent 10 years mourning him severely.  Oh I dated a lot of men.  They'd want to get close I'd back up and say see ya.  I had 2 dates in one day.  I'm not bragging here.  It's just that when you are in this stage you don't really think.  You try to hide your feelings.  I did.  And I did it well.

During all this time, I continued working as a Administrator.  I was good at my job and I loved it.  I didn't want anything else.  You see, when you know that kids are not a possibility in your life.  You don't think about getting married.  You don't think about having a family.  You don't think about it because it hurts to know that you aren't capable of doing so.  Instead you become goal driven career minded.  Or so I believed.  I volunteered during those years for various organizations, such as:  Jaycees (Junior Chamber of Commerce), American Red Cross, March of Dimes, Tall Stacks, hospitals, schools, literacy organizations, etc.  Before you start saying I'm so good.  That's not true.  I did it for the feeling that I got as a volunteer.  It is an amazing feeling.  If you haven't given of yourself freely please consider volunteering.

I turned to my sister's kids for my maternal instincts.  I took them to Kings Island and various other locations.  We made a gingerbread house every year so that my sister could go shopping.  Its not that I didn't want to adopt at this point.  Its that I did not want to inflict my problems on someone else.  I spoiled her kids as if they were my own.  I always went home feeling empty.  I hated going to any baby shower.  I tried not to tell anyone how I felt.

My job was going great.  I had the looks of going to the top of the chain.  I was working for Great American Financial Resources when I met my husband, Ken.  I was moving up in the ladder at work and here was this good looking younger man who was interested in me.  We had a lot of fun.  Honestly I never dreamed I would end up being married to him.  I still remember my thoughts "wow he's a great guy.  We can have some fun until he decides he wants to get married and have kids."  Nearly didn't marry him for exactly the same reason.  I wanted him to be able to have kids.

How was I ever suppose to know that we would end up having two children?  Well as it turns out Faith came along eight months after we got married.  I adopted her as a step mother adoption.  We were fine financially until Faith became ill.  We couldn't keep her well.  She was sick all of the time.  I love Faith with my entire heart.  I don't believe that I could be a better mother if I had been able to carry her myself. 

OOps have to run..hope you enjoy it.  Oh I forgot if you have any questions, please feel free to ask.

Simple Ponderings

--You know God created us to have someone else. We were not meant to be alone. We need that physical contact and support. Most of all we need love.

--I was given a gift of being connected to someone that I care about. Of knowing when something is wrong. I feel it in my heart and usually I am not wrong. It could be as simple as someone having a bad day. My friend, Cricket, will think of me because she needs my attention on something. I always receive the message and not by phone. My poems from my grandfather are a testament that things happen that are not always understood.

-- I got really involved in the Jaycees.

My very first function was a Halloween party in the lower Rhine area. That’s a really bad part of town. So being a Halloween party I got dressed up. It was not required. I got dressed up as a witch. And I didn't know the neighborhood well and ended up lost. Well I pull up to this house and I couldn’t help thinking I’m going to be killed watch and see. Anyway I asked for directions from this little girl.

She looked at me and asked, "Are you a Jaycee?"

Of course, I replied, "Yes, do you know where this is?"

Her face literally lit up and she said, "Yes, you go... well to suffice to say she gave me directions.

I wasn't to know that I would later see this same little girl at the party. She came in dressed as a jelly bean bag. She was so cute and her mother was fortunate enough to come. Anyway during the party, I did my scary voice and told a wicked horror story to the kids. I literally had them spellbound... they were so rapt on my words. One of the other Jaycees tried to put input into the story. I tried to tell him but he just kept going. It didn't work. He wasn't aware that I wasn't reading from a book. I started to read from the book originally. But I could see the children must have heard it before so I changed it and made it into my own story. So I continued after he made a comment that there was no way he could take over. Two of my gifts from God are my writings and my voice. Its not that my voice is beautiful...its that I can change it sometimes to reflect different things such as a wicked witch...Australian accent...English nanny...Scottish...even a frog. I have always been able to change voices in the middle of a story and it does me well when I am telling stories to the kids now.

So any way while I was at the party, the mother of that little girl came up to me. It still makes me get teary eyed when I think of that conversation. I hadn't realized her daughter had won the costume contest... or that there even was one. So this mother tells me how very excited and blessed she feels that she was able to attend the party because she had to take off from one of her three jobs that she works to support her kids. That happiness and love that this woman showed to her child instilled in me that I wanted to continue to do the good work so to speak.