Walk Down Memory Lane

Ok so yesterday I had a question posed about my profile about what job I loved and gave up to come home to be with my family.  I decided to do a walk down memory lane post.  Its a good day to do it since its Sunday and such a blessing of a day.  It's raining out and my thoughts are turning to old past times.

I have one sister and three brothers that I love dearly.  My parents are both still living.  I thank God for that each and every day.  My heart goes out to anyone that has lost a parent.  I grew up in a very dysfunctional family so hey that might be why I am who I am.  But I'm much more complicated than that. 

Early on in life, I met the man of my dreams, Michael.  Michael was a wonderful man.  I lived through so very much with him.  I watched someone die from diabetes.  Back in that time, diabetes was not understood at all.  I remember firing doctors because they would literally ask my husband what to do when he was sick.  Yes that makes sense lets ask a man that is in a delirious state.  One of the reason that you hear me constantly tell you to trust your instincts when your little one is sick. 

Did I ever mention that I'm a grandma?  I doubt it.  You see when Michael passed away his daughter's mother decided it was best that I not be involved in her life anymore.  I respected that wish.  How could I not?  It wasn't until she was 18 years old that I did approach her again.  My heart believed that she deserved to know a little about her father.   Now here is something that I have never talked about.  You see, when I met with Christie, I found out that she always worried about her father.  She worried about if he was saved.  Something that I know he was.  She worried because no one ever allowed her to speak of him.  She wasn't allowed to talk about what she remembered so the memories faded.  I was handing her back a photo album with all of his pictures.  Today I miss that album.  There were such memories of who he was in it.  But I hold his memory in my heart.  He was the first person that taught me to love unconditionally.  He was my blessing.  My angel on earth.  And now he is my guardian angel.  The thing was when she came to meet me.  She brought her family.  Her husband.  And my little grand daughter.  I cried when I saw her.  You see her child looks exactly like she did.  So much of my precious Michael was in her.  I don't see them now but they are always in my heart.  Christie didn't know me.  How could I expect her to include me now?  I still mourn him though.  The love is always there.

Ok so while I was with Michael, I was also suffering with endometrosis.  And that story could go on and on.. so go here and here for that information.  Long story short I ended up not being able to have children before I was 23 years old which was when my love, Michael, passed away.  I spent 10 years mourning him severely.  Oh I dated a lot of men.  They'd want to get close I'd back up and say see ya.  I had 2 dates in one day.  I'm not bragging here.  It's just that when you are in this stage you don't really think.  You try to hide your feelings.  I did.  And I did it well.

During all this time, I continued working as a Administrator.  I was good at my job and I loved it.  I didn't want anything else.  You see, when you know that kids are not a possibility in your life.  You don't think about getting married.  You don't think about having a family.  You don't think about it because it hurts to know that you aren't capable of doing so.  Instead you become goal driven career minded.  Or so I believed.  I volunteered during those years for various organizations, such as:  Jaycees (Junior Chamber of Commerce), American Red Cross, March of Dimes, Tall Stacks, hospitals, schools, literacy organizations, etc.  Before you start saying I'm so good.  That's not true.  I did it for the feeling that I got as a volunteer.  It is an amazing feeling.  If you haven't given of yourself freely please consider volunteering.

I turned to my sister's kids for my maternal instincts.  I took them to Kings Island and various other locations.  We made a gingerbread house every year so that my sister could go shopping.  Its not that I didn't want to adopt at this point.  Its that I did not want to inflict my problems on someone else.  I spoiled her kids as if they were my own.  I always went home feeling empty.  I hated going to any baby shower.  I tried not to tell anyone how I felt.

My job was going great.  I had the looks of going to the top of the chain.  I was working for Great American Financial Resources when I met my husband, Ken.  I was moving up in the ladder at work and here was this good looking younger man who was interested in me.  We had a lot of fun.  Honestly I never dreamed I would end up being married to him.  I still remember my thoughts "wow he's a great guy.  We can have some fun until he decides he wants to get married and have kids."  Nearly didn't marry him for exactly the same reason.  I wanted him to be able to have kids.

How was I ever suppose to know that we would end up having two children?  Well as it turns out Faith came along eight months after we got married.  I adopted her as a step mother adoption.  We were fine financially until Faith became ill.  We couldn't keep her well.  She was sick all of the time.  I love Faith with my entire heart.  I don't believe that I could be a better mother if I had been able to carry her myself. 

OOps have to run..hope you enjoy it.  Oh I forgot if you have any questions, please feel free to ask.

Memories of Christmas Past

I can remember being a child and being downstairs with all the other kids on Christmas Eve. We were sitting on the steps looking up trying to see anything under the door... we saw Santa's red boot under the door. Just a bit... we all scrambled so fast to our new assigned beds. Usually we slept upstairs. And so the dreams of Santa continued on that night. By this point, my brother was telling us that he wasn't real. I think he was more excited that night than we were.

(I'm in the middle)

Then there was the year that I had the chicken pox on Christmas day. I'm walking around polka dotted in the living room and crying cusp we couldn't go see my grandma and grandpa. God bless his soul. The cheer and laughter that was shared among my family was so amazing. The look of happiness upon my mother's face as we all giggled and unwrapped gifts. My mom has always done Christmas to the hilt. She has always spoiled us all rotten. Christmas was to me as a child one of the most joyous occasions. It was one of the most special moments of seeing my mother so incredibly happy.

As I grew older and got married the first time, I remember the very first Christmas that Michael and I shared as a married couple.  The love that was in our hearts and not much else.  We had just gotten married come this Monday, December 14.  The excitement that was on his face.  The joy in my heart.  We had his foster family around us to celebrate.  Marsha (my kid's biological mom) was part of that joy.  She was 4 years old.  There was so much laughter in the air.  We decorated trees and we laughed together.  Michael told me that year that if he had known me before he would have changed everything about himself.  We didn't know that in a month he would have no sight.  We were dirt poor and so in love that it simply didn't matter.  Isn't that a wonderful feeling? 

After he was gone, I created a new tradition where I would go to my sisters and send them out for the night so that my niece and nephews could make a gingerbread house.  We would laugh and giggle as the house would fall apart on some occasions.  I remember watching as the gingerbread house started from one little house to a landscaped house later on in another year.  I knew by this point that I would not be having in children so I chose to take whatever time I could with my nieces and nephews to fill that void in me.

Then there was that beautiful first Christmas with my husband, Ken.  My family had always been dysfunctional.  Actually sometimes I think we gave new meaning to that word.  Here I was in a family that was so incredibly close to me.  Let me tell you it scared me.  I didn't understand this closeness.  I always (even to this day) have to put space between us.  I didn't grow up with this closeness in a family.  Oh I dreamed about it but to see it up close for the first time.  It was sooo eye opening and my heart felt as if it would burst at any time.  That first year when Ken goofed up with my present..we bought the same presents for each other.  Something that I knew he wanted.  He thought my hints trying to figure out what he wanted was about what I wanted so he bought me the same thing.  Honestly, at this point in our relationship, I didn't think that we were going anywhere together.  I never dreamed there was a future.  Ken was so young.  I do mean young.  He was 22 years old.  I was 32 years old.  I knew that he saw life through totally different eyes than I did.  But he didn't.  I just wasn't aware that he had such an old soul.  That year he apologized because his cousin was giving his girlfriend an engagement ring.  Ken wasn't giving me one.  It was way too early and I never dreamed we would get married.

But the following year, Ken did get me an engagement ring for Christmas.  We were so in love.  I told him that we had to wait for a while until he grew up.  Yes I did say that.  I was so scared to marry him.  I knew that I couldn't have kids.  I didn't think that I should make him miss out on being a father.  He told me that it didn't matter he didn't want kids.  Problem was he was 23 years old.  I don't know most men that don't some day want kids.  I was suddenly part of the family for real.  I can't explain it but it did feel like his family treated me differently since I was going to be in their family legally.  I know they didn't mean to.

Then came the Christmas before we got married.  We both knew it was the last one.  We were getting married on Valentine's weekend.  We were teased that it was the last time.  We were so very much in love and we were fighting constantly.  I was being plagued with these doubts about never having kids.  The doubts were stupid but they were there.  You see, I couldn't shake the notion that Ken would eventually leave me so that he could have kids.  Or the thought that I didn't have the right to take that from him.  I so desperately wanted children myself that it was inconceivable that I could do this to him.  Thank Goodness we survived that.

The following Christmas was a totally different experience.  We had Faith for two months by then.  We were struggling financially but so very much in love.  Ken decorated our house for the first time.  We decorated the house very lightly.  I kept saying that Faith wouldn't know.  But that thought changed when Faith's face would light up with every twinkle of a light.  But sadness was in the air.  Ken's father had passed away on December 14 of that year.  His mother wasn't his mother anymore.  She never has fully come back to us.  And Ken was suffering with thoughts that his dad should be there to help him raise his daughter.

The following Christmases have been totally amazing.  There was Faith's next Christmas where she was walking.

The year that she knew what Christmas was.

The year that my grandma and her great grandma was able to be there.  See the idiots in the back?  My family won't let you take pictures of them.  Sighs.

Which was the same year that my sister's bird came.  Faith was fascinated with it.  I was terrified for Faith.

Then as she started to grow up and understand all the great things about Christmas.  We were broke that year.  We had just remodeled our kitchen.   See the awesome counters?  We went to Home Emporium for them.  They were 1/2 of the price of what Home Depot wanted.  I am telling you if you are remodeling check to see if you have one local.  Of course, our counter tops are granite.  They came from the Tile Shop.  Absolutely awesome having granite in our house.  It cleans up so well and very sanitary.

They call it Green Diamond but it looks Black with gray in it.  Its absolutely gorgeous.  Funny store... we were so poor that I lived with a cardboard counter for almost 2 years waiting on us to have the money for the countertop.

We have been so blessed and then Jason came to the family.  We went through a year of hell with foster care as we tried to get Jason into our family.  Christmas as a complete family was incredible.  When I say complete, its because all of a sudden we felt complete.  We had our boy.  Of course we never realized that until after we got him.  We went to the train display with him.  We had his first real Christmas with him.  The first one that he remembered well.

And that brings us to Christmas Current... what wonderful gifts do we have in store.  What memories do you have?

Side note:  Why do men think they can get you an engagement ring for Christmas and nothing else?  And why do they try to combine Mother's Day with your birthday? 

My Female Problems Lead to Endometrosis Part II

I remember feeling so completely lost. I wanted answers and no one could give them to me. I felt so frustrated and so incredibly helpless. But I couldn't focus on this at all. By this point, I was married to my first husband, Michael. He was starting to get sicker. He went blind a month after we got married. At this point, his kidneys were beginning to fail. So he took priority over anything else.


This is the second part to My Female Problems Lead to Endometrosis, please feel free to read the first part  here.

Once again, I got sick. It was the worst time for me to get sick. My husband was getting sicker. There couldn’t have been a worse time for me to worry about this. Michael’s kidneys had failed him. I was basically going back and forth from work to the hospital and then home again. In the morning, I would start the progress all over.

I went looking for a new gynecologist. Even though I had all of my paperwork, he wanted to do an exploratory surgery. The gynecologist said that he needed to see what was going on inside me. I agreed. I was desperate and sick of having a period that lasted almost a month at a time. The gynecologist assured me that it would only be a couple of days in the hospital and six weeks recovery. I could handle the couples days. I knew that I would be back to the grind shortly after. I had to work. I had to take care of my husband.

After the surgery, the gynecologist told me that the reason for the pain and the long periods was because of all the scar tissue that I had built up in my system from all of the surgeries. He had to remove part of the other ovary as well. So now I am down to ¾ of an ovary. I was devastated. I asked what the possibility of me having a child was. He said that it was still possible. I tried to believe him.

When I went in for a check up, I asked the gynecologist why this was happening to me. I didn’t know of anyone else that was going through what I was. He told me that he didn’t know why but he would get down to it.

I checked out. Everything seemed to be good at that appointment. As I was walking by his office, I heard him say something about me on the phone. I heard him tell this person on the other end that, “I think the Marcum (meaning me) woman has endometriosis.” Let me tell you. I kept walking. I couldn’t believe that he wasn’t telling me that directly.

I decided to find a specialist and not to hold back on this one. My husband was constantly back and forth in the hospitals. I believed that he was going to be alright. He started walking funny. It was the circulation in his legs going out. I had to put my problems on the back burner again. I devoted myself to my husband for the next year. If I would start hurting, I did my very best to ignore it. I had periods that were month long and cramps that were undeniable. But I had stored up all the pain medicine from previous times and took that. No I did not become addicted. I simply had to cope with what was my life. My heart was breaking in small little pieces. The thought of my husband not going to be here was destroying me. The thought of being a mother at this point wasn’t even in consideration. I loved my husband completely. I knew that the doctors could not keep him going much longer. His body was failing him. My female parts were failing me. Maybe it was just meant to be that way.

Michael passed away in September of 1989. I went into a stage of life that no young woman of 23 should go into. I was in a group that no one wanted to be in. Not only did I mourn the loss of my special love, I also mourned the fact that we did not have a child to carry on his name.

I decided to find that specialist. I found a gynecologist, Dr. Plunkett. I went to see him with my huge file folder. He read over my information and then checked me out. I never told him what I had heard the last gynecologist said. He said in his office on the first visit, “I think you have endometriosis.”

I asked what it was. “Endometriosis is a condition in which the tissue that normally lines the uterus (endometrium) grows in other areas of the body, causing pain, irregular bleeding and possible infertility. The tissue growth (implant) typically occurs in the pelvic area, outside of the uterus, on the ovaries, bowel, rectum, bladder, and the delicate lining of the pelvis.” For more information, go here.

Dr. Plunkett wanted to do an exploratory surgery. I was having pain during the exam. He said that he had felt something and wanted to be careful. He wanted to make sure that I didn’t lose any option of having kids. I agreed to the surgery.

Once again during the surgery, cysts are found. This time they were found in my uterus. He removed them. Dr. Plunkett assured me that I still had a chance of having kids in the future. I was on cloud nine. I was so excited. I had a competent gynecologist.

For the next year, things went along smoothly. I was sitting at work when the pain hit me. I was working for the Girl Scouts in Cincinnati. I called Dr. Plunkett’s office and asked for the next appointment. I told them I felt like I was going to pass out. They told me to come right away. I called my mother and pretty much begged her to come and take me. I knew that I couldn’t drive. Mom asked if I was sure it was my female parts. I had absolutely no doubts. One I had asked the first gynecologist to remove my appendix so I never thought it could be anything else.

We got to the office. He said he wanted to give me an exam and see what was up. When he did my exam, I passed out for the first time in my life from the pain. When I came too, he told me that I needed to go to the hospital now. I would be admitted right away. We stopped off at my place for a few things before heading to the hospital. I knew that it was really bad.

I don’t remember much about before the surgery other than that. I do remember coming to crying. My mom was very careful not to tell me what he told her. I asked several times and finally gave up.

The next morning, Dr. Plunkett came in to see me. He told me that my appendix had erupted and that if I hadn’t had all the scar tissue from all of the surgeries that I wouldn’t have survived. My female parts were basically green with poison. He told me that he had to give me a complete hysterectomy.

Even now, that memory still makes me cry. I was devastated.  I think I went a little crazy.  I began to believe that I wasn't a complete woman.  That I could never be whole again.  I am today.  I am completely whole with my family.  I have my babies, Faith and Jason.

Note:  If you believe something is wrong with you, don't let it keep building.  Don't take the risk I did.

Would My Husband Have Chosen to Adopt If I Hadn't Wanted to?

It's pretty late tonight. But the question comes back up into my mind that I have so often wondered about. Would my husband have chosen to adopt Jason if I hadn't wanted to? I was the one that found out about him on the Myspace of his biological aunts. I was the one that checked with Children Services to see if anyone wanted him. I saw the answer to a prayer. I couldn't help but think that my husband had to want a boy to carry on his name. I couldn't forget the prayer that his father had before he died.

Ken's dad had cancer in the later stages when we got married. We knew shortly after that Faith was coming. We knew she was a girl. I always thought that her biological mother was going to change her mind. That she just wanted Ken to pay child support and she would raise her. I lived in fear for seven months as we waited for her to be born. At the same time, I lived in this fairyland thinking I was finally going to have a child of my own. Yes, I knew that she would not be mine biologically. But I promised myself that I would treat her no different than I would my own. Now I don't know how I would treat my own so I don't know how I could make that promise.

One day when Ken's dad was getting sicker, he was delirious. He looked at me and said that I was pregnant with his grandson. He started crying and saying I had to be pregnant with his grandson. Kenny had to carry on the family name. First off, I didn't blame him. He wasn't in his right mind. But it took me down to the quick. It was like getting a knife in my heart from someone I loved. Ken's father was a gentle kind man. I know he didn't mean to hurt me but he did. I promised at that moment that some how we would adopt a little boy. Ken's dad passed away shortly after Thanksgiving. Two months after Faith was born. He loved our daughter. I know that with all that I am.

It was one of the driving factors when I found out that Jason was in foster care. But it definitely was not the only one. I worried about Faith's well being when she got older and found out that she had a brother out there somewhere in the world. Would she be able to accept that we didn't even try to get him? Could we keep that he was out there in the world a secret?

My husband told me that he was happy just with Faith. It was my decision. A fact that he reminds me all the time if money is short or Jason is acting up. Would he have gone after Jason if I hadn't been in the picture? Honestly, I don't think he would have. I think he would have let it go. I think he would have said that it wasn't his responsibility. Now that doesn't mean that he doesn't totally accept and love Jason. He does. Just that if we could go back in time and I wasn't there, he would not have made the same decision.

I'm a very very lucky woman. You see, my husband supports me no matter what. I do him as well.

My female problems lead to endometrosis

I was thinking about what I went through with my female issues. I thought I would share my story. My dad didn't believe in gynecologists. I think it was common back in those days to feel that way. The "he man" attitude. No man is allowed to touch my women attitude. In fact when mom was about to give birth to me, dad did not want to allow her to go to the hospital. The reason he didn't want to was because my mom's female gynecologist was out of town which means I was going to be delivered by a male doctor. I agree this is extreme but you need to understand my dad's mentality to understand what happened to me physically later on.

When I was 16 years old, my menstrual periods became very painful, caused me to vomit and had excessive bleeding. My cramps would literally cause me to curl up in bed for a day or two with the pain. I was always light headed as well. I begged my parents to allow me to go to the doctors. They were that bad. Well, my father never agreed no matter how much my mother tried to talk him into it. He told me that women were suppose to suffer with their cramps. It was part of being a woman. Translation to that is you will just have to bear the pain.

When I turned 18 years old, I finally went to see the gynecologist. I'm sitting in the gynecologist's office by myself when he tells me he wants me to get an ultrasound to find out what is causing these problems.

The result of the ultrasound was that I have ovarian cysts. Some of the symptoms of ovarian cysts are pain in the abdomen, pelvic pain, pain during your period, abnormal bleeding, vomiting or nausea. Ironically I had them all when I was on my period. Since I had the symptoms since I was 16 years old, he thought it made sense to schedule a Laparoscopy right away.

Laparoscopy is done when the cyst is small and looks benign (noncancerous) on the ultrasound. While you are under general anesthesia, a very small cut is made above or below your navel. A small instrument that acts like a telescope is put into your abdomen. Then your doctor can remove the cyst. The doctor assured me that I would have no scar except for the one in my belly button.

I remember how he described even today. They would cut a small incision in my belly button and then insert a laparoscope. The surgery is called a lapascopy because of the device they use. Attached to that is a laser to burn the cysts off. The stomach will be blown up like a balloon with carbon dioxide gas. This makes your stomach expand so that they can see the internal organs. In my case, the female organs. He said that there were not that many risks involved with this procedure. He told me that I didn't need to worry about a scar. I just wanted the pain to go away.

I believed him and had the surgery. I cleaned my apartment from top to bottom to make sure that I would not have to do anything after the surgery. Problem was I forgot to stock the food. I remember waking up groggy but feeling semi normal. I was on the pain medicine at the time. My mom was there to drive me home. During the ride, I guess my insides woke up. I was in pain. At the time, I lived in an apartment that had about 15 steps to get into. That almost killed me to walk up them. My roommates had decided not to be there as well. So I was alone for the weekend. They had told me after the surgery to keep pressing a pillow on my stomach to help the gases pass through my system. I drifted in and out of sleep after the surgery so remembering that pillow did not work at all.

Things returned back to normal. My periods became normal and less painful. Then it started again about six months later. Once again I went back to the gynecologist. Once again he sent me for a ultrasound. The result was bigger cysts. He told me that he needed to find out if these cells were cancerous. These cysts did not look the same as the first ones. I'm 18 years old. He mentions cancer to me. I become the most paranoid person in the world. I look up everything I can about cancer which makes it ten times worse. Please unless they are specific and say that they are sure you have something do not look for information. This is the one place that I think the internet gives us too much information. I think back then I went to the library though.

The gynecologist has recommended that I have another surgery, a lapatomy. He was wanting to remove the cysts to check them. A laparotomy uses a bigger incision to remove the cyst or any effected area. While I was under, he said that he would test the cyst for cancer. If it is cancer, my doctor told me that he would remove the infected parts which could be my ovaries, uterus, or something else. He again mentioned the risks of the surgery. He told me that recovery would be 6 to 8 weeks. I should expect to be in the hospital for a week. Remember this was back in the 80's. I requested that my appendix be removed since I was going to be open anyway. I had to sign a paper to have it done since it was not necessary.

This was in 1985. After the surgery, I found out that it was not cancerous. Thank God. The doctor explained that he had to cut off part of one of my ovaries because there were too many cysts and I had scar tissue. I asked why this kept happening. Why me? Why didn't other women have this problem? The gynecologist assured me that a lot of women had the same issues. He couldn't explain what was wrong with me. I decided if he couldn't give me a reason that I needed to find another doctor next time. I was already very pessimistic about it. I was scared at this point that I would never be able to have children.



Things went great for a while. I decided to go in for a general checkup. I talked to a friend and she told me she had a great gynecologist. I switched doctors. During the checkup, I experienced severe pain during the exam. He sent me for a sonogram. Now I knew that they were going to find something again. Once again, it came back that I had to have another laprascopy. So this means 3 surgeries in two years. Yes they said it was minor but its 3 surgeries in such a short period.



This surgery they found out that I had a lot of scar tissue that was intwined with my female parts. He cut through the scar tissue. I asked again why this was happening to me. He couldn't give me an explanation why. Today, I can tell you that I wouldn't accept that answer. But back then I was young and didn't know any better. My parents were not there to support me during this. Remember my dad didn't like gynecologists. At this point, neither did I.


So six months later, it happens again. This time I had to have a ovary removed completely. Still no one could tell me why this was happening. I was terrified that I would never have kids. The doubts alone could have made me sick. I realize that it was a long time ago and we have come a long way since then.

I remember feeling so completely lost. I wanted answers and no one could give them to me. I felt so frustrated and so incredibly helpless. But I couldn't focus on this at all. By this point, I was married to my first husband, Michael. He was starting to get sicker. He went blind a month after we got married. At this point, his kidneys were beginning to fail. So he took priority over anything else.

More to come on this topic

Their Biological Mom

I thought I would talk about their biological mom so that you could see their story a little more. Marsha and her brother were raised by her father and mother at first. When she was five years old, her mother took off and disappeared from her life. Marsha's mother had mental issues and always thought someone was after her. Later we would find out that she ran to Florida. This was when I met Marsha. I was dating my soon to be first husband, Michael. Marsha's father was a druggy so he would soon lose custody of Marsha. Her aunt wanted her to have a chance in her life so she went after her. Marsha excelled during the time that she was in her aunt's care. She did well in school. She had friends for the first time.

Her father kept going to see her sporadically. There was nothing steady in his time that he would see her. Marsha started to resent her aunt for having taken her. Remember, she is a little girl that simply wants her daddy. She doesn’t understand why she isn’t with him. He keeps telling her things like “You can come live with me soon” or “I love you so much. I will get it together and take you home.” She didn’t understand everything because her brother was still living with her father. Why wasn’t she? In actual fact, her father was living with his parents. They were raising his son for him. She didn’t know that. After she began to act up, her aunt allowed her to go back to her father. Was this the best move for her? I doubt it.

She was with her father when she became pregnant. He forced her to have an abortion. Within a year, she was pregnant again with her first daughter, Julie. Foster care again came in on the scene. They removed Marsha and Julie from her father’s care and placed her with another aunt, Paula. She lived at Paula’s house until she was 18 years old when she moved in with her boyfriend.

She wasn’t there but six months when she became pregnant again. She was living on welfare so she took care of herself while she was pregnant. She had a little boy named Jasper. This was when I came back into her life. She came looking for me. She remembered how I used to help her when she was a child. We became friends once again in 2000. She was a part of our lives. I got to watch two children grow up. I couldn’t have children at that point so it was a precious time for me. She left her boyfriend in 2001.

I was busy preparing for the wedding at this point. My husband and I were fighting quite often. We split up right before the wedding. Nerves I think. Marsha came to us to tell us that she was pregnant again. She said the baby was my husband. She told him that he either took her or she would abort her. She said that she didn’t want to do that. He took her obviously. There was no choice.

Ok so its one month until we got married. Now I was really conflicted. Part of me was overjoyed because we would have a child to raise as our own. Well his. I was, also, furious for the same exact reason. I knew that it had happened. When we had gotten back together, my husband had told me about that night. But I didn’t expect to have this happen. I love my husband to death. And things happen. I had forgiven him or the wedding would not have still been happening. I couldn’t hold this against him. He had believed that we were over.

Since we knew ahead of time, I started spending more time with Marsha. I wanted to make sure that she ate right for the baby. We knew that she did not want the baby. We were very afraid that she would not do what she needed to do for it. We were allowed to name her since Marsha wanted no part of it. We named her Faith since she is our blessing. We brought Faith home from the hospital and she has been with us every since.

When Faith was two years old, Marsha started talking about joining the army. She was messed up with the wrong people by then. We found out that their older sister, Julie, had been taken by foster care by now. Her cousin had custody of Julie. Their brother, Jasper, was now living with his father, who had gotten married. With the instability of Marsha, my husband and I decided it was time for me to adopt Faith as my own. I will talk about the adoption in a later blog.

At the same time that we made the decision for me to adopt Faith, Marsha got married to Joey. This is the first time she has been married. Shortly into the marriage, she became pregnant with Jason. Joey became abusive. They ended up with Children Services being called. Jason was sitting in a pile of broken picture frames when they came. Children Services told Marsha that she could keep him if Joey left for the night. Joey returned that same night. Children Services came and took Jason out of the house. Jason was then placed with Marsha’s aunt, Paula.

Paula, Marsha's aunt, wanted more children. She wanted a little girl of her own. She and her husband went through infertilities treatments. A year later, she ended up having quads. So now Jason who is little more than a year old is in a house with ten kids. Four of those ten kids were newborns. Children Services began to watch Paula’s house until finally they had reason to go in and take Jason out of the home. I found out about that through a Myspace page.


So my kids have two other siblings, Julie and Jasper, out there. I can’t find them but some day I will. I know that they will want to know where they are.

*Disclaimer: All names are fictional. I have to protect their identities.

Baby Showers

Something happened to me this weekend that I thought was a good topic to discuss on here. I was asked to hold a baby shower for someone that I barely know. There are two issues here:

1. I barely know her. It should be someone that knows her and loves her. Who is so excited about that baby being born.
2. My Infertility

I'm not going to talk about number 1 but number 2, I will talk about.
Most people that are infertile do not like baby showers. Much less to host one. I never hosted one for my sister or sister-in-laws yet alone a friend. I'm like most infertile women so I am going to do this in general terms. Most of us do not like to attend baby showers. It doesn't matter who the baby shower is for. It reminds us that we can't have our own biological child and it is a very painful reminder of what we don't have right now. Even though I have adopted my two wonderful children, it still hurts me. I don't believe that will ever go away.
I remember having to decide early on at work if I wanted others to know that I couldn't have children. I struggle to maintain friendships with women that are pregnant. My sister-in-law mentioned after both of her kids were born that I disappeared during her pregnancy. It was painful to be around her especially during the first birth which was before I adopted. Its not that we are not happy for the person. Its that the very fact that someone else is pregnant reminds us that we are not.
Attending a baby shower is excruciating painful. All those women happy beyond belief and talking about a baby. Future issues are discussed:

• How the baby will coo.
• How long they will sleep at night.
• How you won't get any sleep at first.
• Ear infections
• Is the baby room ready?

We become very good actors so that we do not visibly fall apart in front of friends, family and co-workers. It is very hard to be in a room of people talking about the future of a child. We want ours so desperately.
Some people disconnect physically as well. They don't attend baby showers, christening and turn down invitations from mothers if there will be discussions of children. They avoid that person at work that always talks about Jimmy or Sara's accomplishments.
I used to not go to baby showers at all. I told friends and family members not to even bother inviting me. I always got the invitations. I always sent something even though buying that gift cost me dearly.
Then you get the statements, "Listen to the doctor. You will have one." Or "You can adopt." Let me tell you I adopted. I love my children to death. But I still wish that I had that little girl who looks like me. Who has my eyes. Who has my fingers. Who has my husband's lips. So it doesn't go away. I still want my own child. But life goes on. And so do we.

Blessings

Today since its Sunday. My thoughts have turned to my blessings. I am so lucky to have what I have in my life. When I was 18 years old, I had to be rushed into the emergency room. That was the beginning of the endometrosis cycle that I call it that lead to my infertility. I was married to a wonderful man named Michael when I turned 18 years old. His life was very short but I was blessed to have known him. He taught me how important life really is. He never complained. He always asked people how they were. Never once telling them just how badly he felt. I learned unconditional love through him. He loved everyone and enjoyed his life. He taught me to value all of the special moments in life.

Then when I was 23 years old, I had my hysterectomy. I remember crying and thinking that I would never have any kids. If I had only known what today would hold. For the next 9 years, I dated off and on. Different people. Never really thought much of it. I mean why get married since I couldn't have kids. I mourned Michael during that time as well.

The fateful night came that I was at a friend's house when my future husband walked in. I thought he was fun. He was 11 years younger than me. And that meant he was going to be a playmate not a future for me. Well low and behold, I ended up married to him. Except not before we almost split right before the marriage. And he being a man and thinking it was over turned to a close friend of mine. Now I had practically helped raise her during the years with Michael so it was a shock to me. Well it was a one night thing so they both have told me.

So the wedding plans were back on. She calls him to tell him that she is pregnant and if he doesn't want the baby she will abort it. Well, my prayers were answered. How could I say no and there was no way that he could. We ended up with our daughter, Faith, 8 months after we got married. So here I am 38 years old and a brand new mommy to a brand new baby. We brought her home from the hospital. I still can't believe how that worked out.

I went through the process in the court system to make her legally mine. The process is called step-parent adoption. Basically, we had to have three lawyers. One to protect my rights, One to protect my husband's rights and one to protect her biological mom's rights. Then Faith had to have a GAL (Guardian Attorney Litem) basically someone to protect her rights as well. Someone has to speak to the welfare of the child as well. She became legally mine.

We were going along life just having fun when we found out that Faith's biological mom had another child, Jason. Jason was now in foster care which I found out by looking at Faith's biological aunt's Myspace. I can't believe that someone would put that on a Myspace but they did. Apparently, her mom gave him to his aunt when he was one month old. Her aunt had him until he was 2 1/2 years old. Thats when the court system stepped in and took him away from his aunt. Now he was in foster care. So we stepped up to begin the process of adopting him through foster care. I will talk about that later on.

Ok so now I have two wonderful children, Jason and Faith. They are biological half sister and brother. So they look alike. How lucky can I get. My husband and I are blessed.

Get invitations out for baby shower

Ok so I have written all of the invitations and sent them out for Heather's shower. She is my future sister in law. I'm looking forward to the shower but at the same time I'm dreading it. I was never fortunate to have my own kids. Even though, I now have two of the most wonderful kids in the world. I am still sad whenever I think of not having one. Infertility is one of the hardest things that I have had to go through.