A Single Moment in Time

I'm going to join Mama's Losin It in her writer's workshop this week.  Yes it was Thursday but I still felt like writing this.  In the workshop, she wanted us to share a journal entry from when we were 13 years old.  Well I don't have the journal but I can remember it clearly.  I can remember my thoughts and how I felt.

I was sitting on the desk talking with my friend, Cathy, when he walked up to me. I was 14 years old. I wasn't a slim teenager but I was a buxom one. Michael walked up to me and asked me if I had seen the soccer game yesterday. I said, "Yes". He asked what I thought. Did I think they could have done better?


I remembered thinking. Why is he asking me these questions? Why is he talking to me? I'm 14 years old. He's 18 years old for goodness sakes. He's hot and I'm plain. I'm a plain Jane with teeth that need braces but I know I won't get them. I'm wearing a dumpy shirt and jeans. I'm nothing spectacular. He is. He could have any girl he wanted. At least that’s what I thought.

We continued talking. He asked if I wanted to go for a walk. WOW me go for a walk with him. What does he want? Will he kiss me? We went walking through the park. He reached for my hand and brought it to his lips. I was a goner. The second he touched my hand, my heart began to pound heavily. My brain went to mush.

Again the questions came, why is he talking to me? Why me of all people? From the day forward, we were inseparable. He was very patient with me. He was careful about not crossing lines. We were best friends. I could share anything I wanted with him. We talked about how the kids treated me in school. We talked about my studies. We talked about his work as a mechanic. We talked and talked and talked.

One day, he got really mad and he left. I didn't understand. When he came back, he apologized for being mad but now I wanted to know why. He said that he was older than me and sometimes it was simply so hard to wait for me to grow up. Honestly I had no clue what he was talking about. I was soon to find out though. He told me that he had always wanted me. That it was hard to just be friends. We decided to take our relationship to a deeper level. I was 16 now and we had to discuss it with my parents. He was 20. My parents weren't happy about it but they let us be.

How could I have known that moment that he touched my hands when I was 14 years old that my heart would be gone? That I would love him so much that I would give up all to take care of him? How was I supposed to even know that one day I would marry him?

I did marry him when I turned 18 years old on my sister’s birthday. We loved each other more than any other. We talked about everything and nothing. I learned so much about him. And then his illness took over. He lost his eyesight a month after we got married. He had to quit working. I had to go to work full time to support us. I did it with joy. I walked away from a four year scholarship to take care of the man that I loved.

He taught me that life was about living. He knew that he was living on borrowed time. I was so young I didn’t believe something could take him from me. He lost his kidneys to the disease shortly after losing his eyesight. For years I watched him suffer without telling anyone. Without showing how much it hurt to others. He would ask how another was and not mention how he was. I was the only one who knew how much pain he was in. He never hid anything from me. He told me that honesty was the most important trait to someone you love. He told me that he would never hide anything. And he told me that he wanted me to live a full and happy life after he died. The day he told me that I ran. I just took off running. I left him at home knowing he would be ok. I didn’t want to accept that he would leave me one day.

I miss him still.
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Ok enough of that… remember he taught me to live my life to the fullest. What I’m going to ask you all is that you hug your loved one tight and love them. Cherish them.

Memories of Michael

I was just thinking about my first husband, Michael. He was such a wonderful guy. Maybe that’s why I say that The Love She Found In Me is my favorite song of all time. He said that it was written about me. You wouldn't have known what Michael really was like unless you knew him. He was genuine. If he liked you, he would give you everything. If he didn't, well let just say that you didn't get to know him at all. With everyone that I know knew him, everyone liked him. He was one of those people that asked how you were not told you about how he was. Even in his darkest hours when he was so ill that I know how much pain he was in. He still would ask how someone was. He still cared about others. People were important to him. He wanted to bring joy to everyone. No matter who they were. He wanted people to smile. He wanted to be remembered as a good guy.

Michael was told when he was just 3 years old that they didn't expect him to live long. He had a hard childhood. He was born a diabetic. So he learned about needles long before anyone should. And then he learned tragedy at 8 years old when his mother passed away. Michael missed his mother more than anything in the world. In his final days, he often talked about how he wanted to talk to his mother again. To stand beside her in heaven. I know that he safe now. I know she is taking care of him. When his mother passed away, his father gave him up to foster care. His father was an alcoholic and didn't think he could raise Michael. Michael went in and out of foster care until he was 15 years old. He told me stories about foster care that made my blood run cold. He told me about the treatment he experienced by cruel sadistic foster parents. I guess that’s why I have no problem adopting my son from foster care. I want him to live a life unlike what Michael experienced. I hope that I'm saying a child from that.

I don't like to remember those things but they did teach me what to do in my future. I believe that I was supposed to know those things so that I could say my son, Jason. I believe that things happen for a reason. Unfortunately, I didn't have a clue I would have to get to be over 40 when they started happening. But who am I to question it? I'm not going to.

Ok, I got off the subject a little. Michael was a diamond in the rough. There was so much good about him. I don't think he realized. He used to tell me that he would have changed everything if he known me before it was too late. But it was too late. I couldn't have known that. I was 17 and in love with the most wonderful man. We got married and shortly thereafter he lost his eyesight. I had to work to support us. He had been a mechanic. He couldn't take the chance that he would forget something because he couldn't see it. So I worked and supported us. I took care of him through it all. I was blessed to have known him. He taught me that life was about living. He knew he was living on borrowed time. Take every moment and enjoy it. This is what I ask of you...remember to hug your kids every day and tell them that you love them. Cherish what you have. I think we all live on borrowed time..so make it worth it.

Memories Haunt Me

today brings such joyous thoughts...such memories such dreams... I wish you the very best my friend.. I pray that your soul has found a new place on this earth. we both agreed that our souls would be reincarnated. I wish I knew where yours was.

I remember you like it was yesterday.. I remember the love... the laughter... the kisses...oh the kisses... the way it felt like my bones were melting... how wonderful we were together.. and I shall always wonder where we were going. things were changing... we were growing... we were experimenting

family called cuz they were worried today how I was handling it... you know its been years since you were here and it still feels like yesterday when I think of you.. when I smell your scent upon my skin.

I love you