Sunday, January 17, 2010

Walk Down Memory Lane

Ok so yesterday I had a question posed about my profile about what job I loved and gave up to come home to be with my family.  I decided to do a walk down memory lane post.  Its a good day to do it since its Sunday and such a blessing of a day.  It's raining out and my thoughts are turning to old past times.

I have one sister and three brothers that I love dearly.  My parents are both still living.  I thank God for that each and every day.  My heart goes out to anyone that has lost a parent.  I grew up in a very dysfunctional family so hey that might be why I am who I am.  But I'm much more complicated than that. 

Early on in life, I met the man of my dreams, Michael.  Michael was a wonderful man.  I lived through so very much with him.  I watched someone die from diabetes.  Back in that time, diabetes was not understood at all.  I remember firing doctors because they would literally ask my husband what to do when he was sick.  Yes that makes sense lets ask a man that is in a delirious state.  One of the reason that you hear me constantly tell you to trust your instincts when your little one is sick. 

Did I ever mention that I'm a grandma?  I doubt it.  You see when Michael passed away his daughter's mother decided it was best that I not be involved in her life anymore.  I respected that wish.  How could I not?  It wasn't until she was 18 years old that I did approach her again.  My heart believed that she deserved to know a little about her father.   Now here is something that I have never talked about.  You see, when I met with Christie, I found out that she always worried about her father.  She worried about if he was saved.  Something that I know he was.  She worried because no one ever allowed her to speak of him.  She wasn't allowed to talk about what she remembered so the memories faded.  I was handing her back a photo album with all of his pictures.  Today I miss that album.  There were such memories of who he was in it.  But I hold his memory in my heart.  He was the first person that taught me to love unconditionally.  He was my blessing.  My angel on earth.  And now he is my guardian angel.  The thing was when she came to meet me.  She brought her family.  Her husband.  And my little grand daughter.  I cried when I saw her.  You see her child looks exactly like she did.  So much of my precious Michael was in her.  I don't see them now but they are always in my heart.  Christie didn't know me.  How could I expect her to include me now?  I still mourn him though.  The love is always there.

Ok so while I was with Michael, I was also suffering with endometrosis.  And that story could go on and on.. so go here and here for that information.  Long story short I ended up not being able to have children before I was 23 years old which was when my love, Michael, passed away.  I spent 10 years mourning him severely.  Oh I dated a lot of men.  They'd want to get close I'd back up and say see ya.  I had 2 dates in one day.  I'm not bragging here.  It's just that when you are in this stage you don't really think.  You try to hide your feelings.  I did.  And I did it well.

During all this time, I continued working as a Administrator.  I was good at my job and I loved it.  I didn't want anything else.  You see, when you know that kids are not a possibility in your life.  You don't think about getting married.  You don't think about having a family.  You don't think about it because it hurts to know that you aren't capable of doing so.  Instead you become goal driven career minded.  Or so I believed.  I volunteered during those years for various organizations, such as:  Jaycees (Junior Chamber of Commerce), American Red Cross, March of Dimes, Tall Stacks, hospitals, schools, literacy organizations, etc.  Before you start saying I'm so good.  That's not true.  I did it for the feeling that I got as a volunteer.  It is an amazing feeling.  If you haven't given of yourself freely please consider volunteering.

I turned to my sister's kids for my maternal instincts.  I took them to Kings Island and various other locations.  We made a gingerbread house every year so that my sister could go shopping.  Its not that I didn't want to adopt at this point.  Its that I did not want to inflict my problems on someone else.  I spoiled her kids as if they were my own.  I always went home feeling empty.  I hated going to any baby shower.  I tried not to tell anyone how I felt.

My job was going great.  I had the looks of going to the top of the chain.  I was working for Great American Financial Resources when I met my husband, Ken.  I was moving up in the ladder at work and here was this good looking younger man who was interested in me.  We had a lot of fun.  Honestly I never dreamed I would end up being married to him.  I still remember my thoughts "wow he's a great guy.  We can have some fun until he decides he wants to get married and have kids."  Nearly didn't marry him for exactly the same reason.  I wanted him to be able to have kids.

How was I ever suppose to know that we would end up having two children?  Well as it turns out Faith came along eight months after we got married.  I adopted her as a step mother adoption.  We were fine financially until Faith became ill.  We couldn't keep her well.  She was sick all of the time.  I love Faith with my entire heart.  I don't believe that I could be a better mother if I had been able to carry her myself. 

OOps have to run..hope you enjoy it.  Oh I forgot if you have any questions, please feel free to ask.



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17 comments:

Corrie Howe said...

Quite a varied background. Thanks for the walk down memory lane.

blueviolet said...

Tami, you are such a warm hearted wonderful person. Thank you for sharing all of this with us. You've had a lot of pain in your life and I'm so sorry. I'm glad that you did find a new love, but I'm so sorry that you lost your first one.

Love you!

Frugal Vicki said...

I loved this post. Thank you for sharing your life and what you have gone through to get to where you are. I love getting to know you better!

Susie said...

Wow! What a great story:-) Thanks for sharing that!

starnes family said...

Wow.....lots to take in! I enjoyed this post and look forward to many more.

-Casey from www.thestarnesfam.com

The Jones Family said...

Thank you so much for sharing your history; I didn't want your post to stop!

Can't wait to read more...

New follower from the FF.

Andrea said...

Thanks for giving me a glimpse into your life.
Blessings,
andrea

Pricilla said...

Thanks for the Friday Follow!
Thanks as well for sharing your life story.

Holly said...

Peoples stories fascinate me. Yours is filled with sadness and happiness, and it was a compelling read. Thank you for sharing.
Holly @ 504 Main

jonbonjovious said...

Love knows no boundaries. Thanks for sharing. Friday Follower

Chacoy said...

Amazing,
Is what I think when I step outside of my blog door and find great blogs like yours from FF;}
I am following:
blog a- this one
blog b- clean pics and jokes
blog c- sited and blogged
blog d- Tami's 101 things to do in 1001 days

See ya soon~
Ma21cuteboy

Chacoy said...

Crap- I keep forgetting, I got a buton now, it's brand new and I am sooooo very proud to have it, please trade(ok,I already have yours)
See ya soon~

Midday Escapades said...

My lady, you are one special person. What a heart you have!!!! Love ya!

Theta Mom said...

I think this post is a perfect explanation of the title of your blog, "Hearts Make Families." Thanks for sharing Tami!

Amy said...

Tami,

You are such an amazing person. Thanks for sharing this I did learn more about you.. Yeah..

Have a great day.

AlyGatr said...

Wow, you've been through so much. I can imagine it was hard for you to share all of that...but thank you for doing it! You are an amazing person for toughing through it all!

Emmy said...

Wow! Quite the history. Thank you for sharing.

I felt like you left us all hanging.. what happens next?