Saturday, September 12, 2009

Would My Husband Have Chosen to Adopt If I Hadn't Wanted to?

It's pretty late tonight. But the question comes back up into my mind that I have so often wondered about. Would my husband have chosen to adopt Jason if I hadn't wanted to? I was the one that found out about him on the Myspace of his biological aunts. I was the one that checked with Children Services to see if anyone wanted him. I saw the answer to a prayer. I couldn't help but think that my husband had to want a boy to carry on his name. I couldn't forget the prayer that his father had before he died.

Ken's dad had cancer in the later stages when we got married. We knew shortly after that Faith was coming. We knew she was a girl. I always thought that her biological mother was going to change her mind. That she just wanted Ken to pay child support and she would raise her. I lived in fear for seven months as we waited for her to be born. At the same time, I lived in this fairyland thinking I was finally going to have a child of my own. Yes, I knew that she would not be mine biologically. But I promised myself that I would treat her no different than I would my own. Now I don't know how I would treat my own so I don't know how I could make that promise.

One day when Ken's dad was getting sicker, he was delirious. He looked at me and said that I was pregnant with his grandson. He started crying and saying I had to be pregnant with his grandson. Kenny had to carry on the family name. First off, I didn't blame him. He wasn't in his right mind. But it took me down to the quick. It was like getting a knife in my heart from someone I loved. Ken's father was a gentle kind man. I know he didn't mean to hurt me but he did. I promised at that moment that some how we would adopt a little boy. Ken's dad passed away shortly after Thanksgiving. Two months after Faith was born. He loved our daughter. I know that with all that I am.

It was one of the driving factors when I found out that Jason was in foster care. But it definitely was not the only one. I worried about Faith's well being when she got older and found out that she had a brother out there somewhere in the world. Would she be able to accept that we didn't even try to get him? Could we keep that he was out there in the world a secret?

My husband told me that he was happy just with Faith. It was my decision. A fact that he reminds me all the time if money is short or Jason is acting up. Would he have gone after Jason if I hadn't been in the picture? Honestly, I don't think he would have. I think he would have let it go. I think he would have said that it wasn't his responsibility. Now that doesn't mean that he doesn't totally accept and love Jason. He does. Just that if we could go back in time and I wasn't there, he would not have made the same decision.

I'm a very very lucky woman. You see, my husband supports me no matter what. I do him as well.



Debbie said...

What a sweet and beautiful post. You are a lucky woman to have such a great family.
Came over from MBC.

Tami said...

Thank you very much. I am indeed a very lucky woman. As much as I am loved, I love in return.